Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Exclusive: “I’m abandoning Art for Ice,” says Arctic entrepreneur

Nancy Campbell has announced her plans to abandon an apparently lucrative career as an artist in a selfless bid to bring “hydro-fabulousness” and environmental ethics to the cocktail bars of Europe. Campbell’s coup de foudre came during a trip to the Arctic to observe the impact of climate change.

“After seeing the glistening icebergs”, Campbell says, “I realised there was only one way to prevent rising sea levels, and that’s if the whole world clubs together to use up all this naughty ice before it melts into the world’s oceans.”

Campbell was drinking tea by a halibut hole with a friendly fisherman when inspiration struck. The Inuit traditionally make tea by chipping small chunks of ice from the glacier to melt in their tin kettles over a fire. “At that moment,” Campbell says, “all I really wanted was a Whisky Mac, and it struck me that the pure glacial ice would top my cocktail off nicely.”

Campbell’s scheme will use ice from the giant glacier Sermeq Kujalleq in Ilulissat, the fastest calving glacier in the world. The area was recently designated a UNESCO heritage site in order to prevent the vulnerable environment from further destruction.

After rigorous tests on selected samples, to dismiss any suspicion that glacial ice has been polluted by industrial waste dumped in Arctic waters, the enormous blocks of ice will be flown to Europe’s capital cities in temperature-controlled conditions, to be broken down into cubes for discerning drinkers. The venture is tipped to bring work to hundreds of Inuit who are currently facing destitution as their traditional means of sustenance through fishing becomes impossible in the changing landscape.

Nancy Campbell has applied to the Enterprise Council for funding for 'Project Arctic Just-Ice' and welcomes enquiries from potential investors.


Brett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brett said...

Flounder Nipwat Campbell,


On ads this would run as a jingle: "Bring de ice down... Bring de ice down..." And on any TV / audio media, they have to play it like a theme tune, before we start talking.

Communicates our key message -- we must destroy the icebergs so sea levels don't rise and in this way we [Hair Power Brett and Hair Kickass Campbell] will prevent climate change and create human security.

Also, it's quite street which thought was cool as gives us a bit of a Che Guevara edge. ie We gave up our careers as famous and rich artists for the love of the natural world... Now we have nothing but this pesky ice business and our work cut out for us for the rest of our days, with the clarity of a freshly ice-picked Brett Campbell Halibut Cube.

We do not even have pennies for clothes but stitch meagre garments from the summer coats of ice hogs, they shed before growing their winter fur.

TV ads (ending on "Bring de ice down" and us doing the ice pick thing at the camera) have us battling against waves smothered in Vaseline to single-handedly bring the bergs down.... Adventure... Cut to clip of you swinging on a rope from a chopper, really noisy, windy, Blair Witch Project style action camera, and then you leap freestyle onto a berg and hack it viciously with your pick, shouting,

"Brett Campbell care! We will save the world from climate change and bring down de bergs."

You know I always used to want dreadlocks? Well the time has come, Campbell. Once we were artists. Now we are activists. Living on the edge, subsisting solely on sardines and sea cucumbers. We're the swampies of the Arctic.

Tshirts, Che-style, with slogan and pic of us with our heads frozen into a block of ice: "It was us or the ice".... Also could be used for title of our autobiog and as chorus of Christmas Special, featuring tap dancing on ice, jazz hands, etc.

Anyway, I digress. Key points:

A) Please make clear to all funders and other stakeholders that I am the brains behind this operation and that you are just the pretty face.

B) I cod a good idea bream fish. More cash for us, rotten not. This sardine: we do a range of ice cubes containing real halibut.


Two flat eyes, head like a plate, lips pursed. What better way to set off your cocktail cherry? Like a gerkin and maple syrup...

C) When are you sending me the ice hog? Are you wearing the protective gloves I gave you? Suggest you send it to me pronto so I can do a test run in the Ice Bar in Mayfair. (

D) Ice Bar's keen to invest. I'm meeting the European Manager, Sustainable Development from McDonalds next Wednesday. Starbucks are in.

D) I told Emma you were hunting for ice hogs and that if she would like one I was sure you could bring her back one (was just trying to offer the hand of kindness and she's in effing India so what does she know about cochon de glace anyway. Balls to her.) She said:

"I don't think that I am sufficiently qualified to handle an ice hog and I seriously think that you should re think your position as well. I am not sure that sharing the flat with an ice hog would enhance Francesca's temper (and they eat loads and loads which would just make her feel worse about her diet)."

I pass this on as, although throwing my kindness back in my face, she did give me a pretty damn good idea for another climate-saving product line:

Maybe the ice hog would give Francesca a run for her money and contrary to making her feel rotten about food could actually work as a slimming device. The ice hog may c h a s e her.

"Brett Campbell's Ice Hogs - the natural alternative to low cal catfood"

Just call me Haddock...